There is no doubt that—in most cases—having an involved grandparent or grandparents is highly beneficial to children. The relationship between a child and grandparent is unique and special. It provides children with an added sense of safety and familial structure and can encourage independence through overnight sleepovers and other get togethers. In general, the greater grandparental involvement in a child’s life, the greater a child’s overall wellbeing.

Having involved grandparents doesn’t come without challenges, however. Here are a few ways to improve the parent/caregiver and grandparent relationship so everyone can reap the benefits of this special bond:

1. Practice patience. Most grandparents are excited to assume their new role as grandparent when a baby is born, but just as new parents are experiencing a spectrum of emotions—from joy to overwhelm—so are grandparents. They will have to learn a new role acting as a grandparent, and it may take some time for all family members to hit a comfortable stride together. Try to be patient as they take on this new role and accept that there may be some bumps along the way. While it might not be anything major, the way people parent and grandparent is usually going to be full of little differences. 
2. Set reasonable boundaries. Many new parents and caregivers welcome the additional grandparental help with a new baby or older siblings. But grandparental involvement can feel intrusive to some parents. Try to head off this conflict by setting reasonable boundaries early via a conversation between the grandparent and their child (not the child-in-law). Approach the conversation by acknowledging the help and wisdom the grandparents offer and voicing appreciation for their love and concern, and then let them know what is or isn’t helpful to the family unit. Setting some basic guidelines together—such as no unannounced visits—can help prevent future conflicts from ever happening. 
3. Know the difference between advice and criticism (and respond appropriately). From the moment a mother is expecting, she begins to receive baby and child rearing advice from everyone—friends, family, total strangers, and grandparents! Parents and caregivers should acknowledge that grandparents have (most likely) raised a child already, and their instinct to offer advice often comes from a place of love and desire to help. Most of the time, the best course of action is to graciously accept their advice. When advice begins to feel more like criticism, parents and caregivers may have a harder time. Try to head off any criticism as diplomatically as possible. Saying things like, “I appreciate your concern and will give some thought to that,” coupled with a change in subject might be enough to redirect the conversation to something more constructive. If the critical advice continues, it may be time for another conversation about boundaries. 
4. Keep communication open. As with any relationship, clear and regular communication is highly beneficial for all parties involved. This includes upfront and direct sharing of expectations, both on the part of the parents and grandparents. If grandparents will be involved with caregiving for the child, written instructions about schedules and routines can be helpful, along with notes on food or needed medications. While parents should be clear about their children’s rules, they should also know that some rules are probably not going to be followed exactly. Regularly ask grandparents to share any issues they’re having, and make sure to voice any concerns you have as they come up. But do respectfully— aimed at solving the problem, not punishing the grandparent. 
5. Encourage grandparental involvement. Not all grandparents live close to their children and grandchildren, and even those who do may not be involved in regular caregiving due to health or other reasons. It’s still important for parents to encourage grandparental involvement, when possible, because there are still benefits even when grandparents are long distance. Thanks to social media, parents have a lot of opportunities to share photos and information about grandchildren with grandparents and stay connected. Frequent phone calls and FaceTime conversations serve as a great way to get grandparents involved and can even help keep kids busy while parents manage a household task or errand. Letter writing and care packages can also be fun projects for young children to both send and receive. While there may be limitations, parents and caregivers should try to be as inclusive as possible when it comes to helping form the grandparent-grandchild bond. 

It’s important to note that spending time with grandchildren is also highly beneficial to grandparents’ health and wellbeing. Study after study has shown that grandparents involved with caregiving or those who spend a lot of time with their grandchildren show higher cognitive function and better physical health in older age. While there may still be struggles from time to time, all family members tend to benefit with this relationship is allowed to grow.

For more information on raising children with involved grandparents, including tips for grandparents who provide childcare, visit www.healthychildren.org.