Separation anxiety in children can be a challenging aspect of parenting, especially when it comes to child care and school drop-offs. Tears and tantrums make mornings more difficult and often leave parents and caregivers wondering if they are doing something wrong.

The good news is separation anxiety is a perfectly normal developmental milestone and sign of healthy attachment. It generally begins around 6 to 9 months of age and peaks around 18 months before it begins to fade. Most children grow out of their anxiety by the time they reach preschool. There are plenty of times when it doesn’t, however, and in these instances, there are things caregivers can do to help support their child and ease the fear of separation as they grow.

Infants

Some separation anxiety should be expected with nearly all infants, but caregivers can still set them up for success. Babies who are hungry, overtired, or sick may have a more difficult time with goodbyes. Parents and caregivers can help by introducing their baby to family, friends, and babysitters early on and demonstrating a positive interaction with each person. Infants are constantly watching and learning from their primary caregiver, so signaling to your child they are with a safe person and in a safe situation is important. Be reassuring and cheerful and keep any transitions short and sweet. Lastly, making those transitions a routine part of your infant’s day can help ease the fear of saying goodbye.

Toddlers

Occasionally, some children don’t demonstrate separation anxiety in infancy and instead begin acting clingy as they enter toddlerhood. This is also normal, as all children are different, but can be made worse by some situations. Big life changes or transitions can trigger a bout of separation anxiety, and as with infants, toddlers are more susceptible to separation anxiety when hungry, tired, or sick. Toddler separation anxiety is often loud and tearful. At this age, it’s important for parents and caregivers to be consistent, dropping off and picking up your child with as much routine as possible. And while it’s important to keep goodbyes brief, make sure you’re giving your child your full attention during goodbyes. Some parents and caregivers find it helpful to create a goodbye ritual, like a special handshake, hug or saying, which reinforces their bond with one another before time apart. Parents may also find it helps their child if they explain, in simple terms, when they will be returning. For example, you might say, “I will be back to pick you up after just one sleep at grandma’s house!”

Preschoolers

Separation anxiety in preschool-aged children is a little different than separation anxiety in toddlers, because preschoolers are usually aware of the effects their pleas or tantrums have on caregivers. While their fears may still be real, preschoolers will often try to sway their parents into not leaving them. It’s important for parents and caregivers to remain consistent in the practices they’ve set forth already: a short but loving goodbye and explanation of where they will be and when they will return. With preschoolers, it’s exceedingly important for parents and caregivers to keep their promises. Parents build trust and help cultivate their child’s independence when they return at the time they said they would. Parents of preschoolers can also help by staying positive, even during a tantrum, and by building up their child’s self-confidence. Acknowledge their effort and heap on the praise when they do get through a school drop-off tear free!

School-aged children

Once children reach school-age, only around 3 percent will struggle with separation anxiety. Instead of fearing being left at school, these anxieties may focus more on the fear of losing a parent to an accident or illness, or on the fear associated with making friends at school. Parents can encourage older children to participate in social activities like sports or clubs, which are great for overall health and wellbeing, and can ease the anxiety of making new friends.

If your child’s separation anxiety and fear extends well into their school years, however, or affects their sleep or eating habits, it may be time to speak to your pediatrician. They can refer parents and caregivers to the right mental health professional who can make a diagnosis, if necessary, and provide further coping strategies for your family.