In an ideal world, parents and caregivers wouldn’t have to help their child cope with the death of a loved one at a very young age. But while we may hope the hard conversations about life, death, and grief can wait until children are older, the reality is many parents will have to face this scenario during the preschool years—often with the passing of a grandparent or older relative. The death of a close friend or family member is stressful on both kids and grownups, and the best way to face it is head on and together. Here are some tips for helping your preschooler understand and cope with the death of someone they love:
Breaking the News
Depending on how a loved one dies—whether following a long illness or suddenly—can change how you approach your child with the sad news. For long-term illness ending in death, begin to have frank conversations with children along and along. Be simplistic in your wording but clear. Phrases like “Nana’s body is having a hard time working right now,” and "Nana’s body may stop working soon,” are appropriate, and experts encourage the use of the word “dead” once a loved one has died. While adults may be more comfortable saying things like “Nana has gone to sleep,” or “Nana has passed away,” these phrases are confusing to very young children and hard for them to understand. Children may also begin to confuse sleep with dying, which is not something parents want to encourage. Simple, honest terms work well on preschoolers and don’t leave things up to their imagination, which can often be very scary for them.
Preschoolers may also have a difficult time understanding that death lasts forever. When you tell them the news, try to reinforce the idea that “dead” means forever and that the loved one will not be coming back. For those with religious beliefs, sharing them during this time is a good idea. Parents and caregivers can say things like, “Nana is going to be with God forever now,” but phrases like, “God had to take Nana away to live with him,” may cause unnecessary fear and concern that someone is going to take them away, too. Lastly, be prepared for a lot of questions, which could be difficult and sad for parents and caregivers to answer, especially if they’re grieving as well.
Facing the Aftermath
After sharing the news of the death of a loved one with a preschooler, parents and caregivers should be prepared for lots of questions. While the questions might not happen immediately, they will likely come within the following days and weeks. Parents should be comfortable saying “I don’t know the answer to that,” when they don’t have the answer and strive for easy-to-understand, honest explanations when they do have the answer. Questions parents and caregivers should expect may include: “What does dead mean?”; “Is dying the same as going to sleep?”; “Does dying hurt?”; “Why do people have to die?”; “What happened when he/she died?”; “Am I going to die?”; “Are you going to die?”; among many others.
Parents and caregivers should also be prepared to reiterate the fact that nothing your child did or did not do could have caused or prevented the death of a loved one. It is not uncommon for young children to feel at fault when someone dies. Make sure to clarify that thinking thoughts or saying things about someone can’t make a person die. Every child reacts to death in their own way, much like adults do. In the days, weeks and months following the death of a loved one, it’s perfectly reasonable for a preschooler to act irritable, act more babyish than normal (regress in potty training, etc.), have nightmares or trouble sleeping, exhibit separation anxiety and want to talk about death and "being dead” often. And while all these feelings and reactions are normal, it’s also equally as normal for a young child to show very little concern and return to normal play and behavior quickly.
Offering Support
For those children who are struggling more with the death of a loved one, parents and caregivers should be prepared to offer support in the long term. Be patient with questions and continue to use the easy-to-understand and straightforward answers you’ve rehearsed. Let them know it’s okay if you do not have all the answers. While your child is coping with the death of a loved one, be sure to provide plenty of downtime at home with time set aside for drawing, building and creative play. Consider reading books together that discuss death and grief. Local libraries can offer resources to parents, but some of the books that may be helpful include: No Matter What by Debi Gliori, The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr, The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland and The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.
If time passes and children are still having a hard time coping or if the death was someone particularly close, such as a parent or sibling, your child may benefit from time with a family counselor. Long-term signs parents should seek help include a decline in behavior that doesn’t improve, an inability to focus on school or a loss of interest in their usual hobbies and routines.
One of the best things a parent or caregiver can do when it comes to helping their child understand the death of a loved one is by modeling healthy grieving. Often, the first instinct as parents is to shield children from the emotions that grief brings up. Instead, accept that it is okay to cry in front of your child and explain your feelings and why you’re having them. Death and grief are a natural part of our lives here on Earth and teaching them how to grieve and cope with loss is a skill they can use as an adult. For more information on helping preschoolers through the grieving process, visit www.healthychildren.org or www.childmind.org.